Why Are Kids So Mean
With bullying becoming the new social epidemic, immediate action must be taken on
all levels. I will identify some of the root causes but also provide suggestions on what
we must do to prevent our children from becoming the perpetrator or victim of bullying.
There are consistent reports of teens committing suicide as a result of bullying and thus
can no longer consider it simply a “kid’s quarrel.” Bullying has serious consequences
both for the victim and for those who choose to intimidate.
Sobering Stats and Facts (only half are reported)
Schools harbor 2.1 million bullies and 2.7 million victims of bullying.
160,000 kids miss school every day for fear of intimidation or being attacked.
77% of students are bullied with 14% reporting serious harm.
Cyber bullying reports 35% of our children threatened online and 90% hurt.
Elementary grades report twice as many incidents but they are less serious.
1 of 20 students have seen other students with guns.
Revenge or “getting back” is the primary motivation of 87% of shootings.
Do Boys and Girls Bully for Different Reasons
The root cause of bullying among girls seems to reflect low self esteem and an
attempt to elevate oneself and be included in a social group by pushing another out
of that social circle. It is a corrupted expression of competitiveness that would be
better expressed on the basketball court or academic and musical accomplishments.
In general, if we have good feelings about ourselves and who we are, we then
show that same respect to others and honor them as well. We pass it forward.
With boys it tends to be more a result of media mentality male identity. Bullying also
satisfies the thrill of power and domination. When you don’t experience power in a
positive, construction way such as sports or general mastery and accomplishment in
any arena, destructive channels of expression are chosen. Everyone wants to feel in
control. When out of control, many act out or compensate by controlling others.
Then too, there is a collective momentum that groups and gangs generate and it
unfortunately dispels all rational thought and replaces it with delusions of grandeur.
When several people violate established rules and mores, it establishes a “new norm”
where what was once wrong is now right. In other words, our brains decide that if
everyone is violating a rule, the rule no longer exists and there is no violation. It is best
explained by theories on the “herd” mentality where the masses simply follow what a
few may do whether right or wrong.
Our tolerance of bullying over the years has created a serious social problem that can
no longer be ignored. To follow are a few suggestions for you to help prevent another
child or teen becoming a victim of bullying and other acts of intimidation or violence.
What You Can Do to Prevent Bullying:
1 . Stop Enabling. Parents must leave their egos out of their parenting and stop
defending their child’s unacceptable behavior. You are not helping by rationalizing
or living with delusions regarding your child’s behavior. If the facts are clear and
the verdict is in, you must seek professional help for your child rather than deny the
problem as it will only get worse due to your negligence.
2 . Establish Clear Expectations. By establishing clear expectations of desired and
acceptable behaviors, a child is provided with a road map or blueprint to follow
and in most cases will do just that. Without a clear sense of direction, any muddy
road becomes tempting to a child’s sense of adventure and need for challenge.
3 . Set Boundaries. Kids are curious. They will test boundaries to define their reality and
thus establish a sense of security. If you are not consistent in what is acceptable and
what is not tolerable, you are creating confusion and thus more anxiety which leads to
more testing. Tough love builds good character.
4 . Teach and Experience Compassion. Children do learn what they live and are often
a mirror reflection of their parent’s behavior. One cannot demand compassion, but
must demonstrate it, show it and live it. Compassion is love in action and if instilled
in the hearts and minds of our children at an early age, it will prevent bullying and
acts of aggression. Just as oil and water do not mix, if a person is of a kind heart, it
is nearly impossible to be mean spirited. However, it should be part of early childhood
learning and a preventive measure rather than corrective.
5 . Parents as Bullies. Home intervention and parenting classes are crucial as 61%
of bullies reported being victims of physical, mental and verbal abuse in their own
homes. Yes, violence and abuse is learned and passed on. Unfortunately it is often
disguised as discipline. Like many diseases, bullying is contagious and must be
contained. Stress management, problem solving skills, anger management and
effective communications are essential parenting skills.
6 . Correction Is Collective. We are all responsible for this embarrassing social crisis. We
have all tolerated violence and intimidation as a social norm. We have tolerated it on
MTV, the media, music, movies and our video games which you may have purchased
for your child upon his or her request. I personally remember when chewing gum in
school was grounds for dismissal. Heck, we now are happy if kids don’t bring knives
and guns to school! Who is leading this battle of reclaiming simple rights of honor
and respect? Teachers, parents, and our entire system of justice must wake up and
take action now.
Like any illness, bullying and other acts of intimidation and violence grow and spread to
more challenging problems if not addressed and action is not taken. My personal action
was to develop an empowering character building program, I Believe I Can Fly! It instills
compassion and gives a child the right message at the right time for RIGHT THINKING.
It also encourages a positive belief system and healthy life choices that increase self
esteem and self-discipline to improve problem solving skills. What action will you take
and when will you begin? Please help by sharing this message with others. Together
we can make a difference.
Edie Raether, MS, CSP, is an international speaker, author and parenting coach.
As the CEO (Chief Enlightenment Officer) for children and the creator of Wings
for Wishes, Edie is committed to changing the way the world thinks…one child at
a time. For more information on her transformational character building program
or to schedule Edie for a speaking engagement or coaching session, please visit
www.wingsforwishes.com or contact her at edie@raether.com. Call her at (704) 658-
8997.
